Stress Stress and more Stress.What to do when you feel like your mind is in a ball of confusion?

I feel so confused and unsettled because every time there is a problem and I solve it....here goes another shitty problem. I have seen and experienced the effects of stress on your body. The effects of all this stress and no solutions unless I make one are overwhelming. What to do? Everyone has the stress of bills and rent or what have you but, what about the little things that are valued more than money. I am trying to find more time and great places for my son and I to go, but I keep running into a milestone every time. What to do? Every plan I make gets shot down and then I feel like I can't seem to do anything right. Everyone can agree that money is not easy to come by. I work hard for my money but, I don't see it going into the things I want it to go in. I have bills,rent,clothing expenses, food, and the most I really do for myself is get my hair done. I don't get to get new outfits,or anything like that. The most I do is get my hair done so I won't look like some wild Yettie. I want more outfits and clothing so I can look fly. I definitely want more clothing for my son because, boys play-run-fall and get dirty so he needs all he can get. Today I wanted to go to Coney Island but, those plans are shot. My son is at my mom's house even though she yelled the hell out of me yesterday for something that was not my fault. My mom yelled at me because my brother got jumped and robbed while he was on his way to my house. I didn't find out about this until after my brother came and left with my son. My brother came to pick up my son and he didn't tell me that anything was wrong. He looked fine to me so I assumed everything was ok. He took my son to his aunts' house where he called the cops from there. I got a call from my mother like a few minutes after they left my house, which is how I found out about the robbery. It was 3 teenage boys who took his gold watch that my mother gave him. At first I thought he got robbed while he was with my son so, I was then in the process of losing my mind. I felt so sad and upset that this had happened to him. Mu mother had me upset also because she didn't even know he had left the house. My mother was screaming at me over the phone saying that I should call her and let her know instead of just confiding in my brother. She really made me feel that it was my fault, like it was my carelessness that caused this incident. I understand that she was upset but so was I at that point because I thought my son was with him! My son is 7 years old and will be in 2nd grade when school comes in September. Anyway, yesterday was very crazy as you can see but, I had high hopes for today. Its almost 6pm and I'm home online....with my "boyfriend/significant other". I also missed a few opportunities for some quick cash today because I was waiting for my mother to come back with my son. I am upset because that is money that could have been in my pocket. I want to be anywhere except stuck in the damn house another boring weekend. My family doesn't barbecue anymore and they always go on a "family" vacation/trip without me. Yes, I feel left out but I guess the only person I have to depend on is me. I currently feel sad,depressed, broken hearted, alone, overwhelmed, stressed, stuck, and outcast. My boyfriend is here with me but he seems more quiet and self absorbed than even focusing on my problems or issues. I have everything on my mind and all the weight on my shoulders......this is how I feel. Sometimes I wish I had the white house and picket fence even if it was just me and my son without the perfect husband/father. Now that I am older and have more understanding, I see that the dream of a white house on "free land" is nothing but a dream. I can not see this dream ever coming true for me. I believe I will be in my grave before I even get close. The things in your life can wash away your faith,religion, and all your love but it can't ever wash away the hurt/pain.

Today I feel so upset and feel like I need to let my heart breath....

Have you ever felt so upset that you don't know what to do? Right now I feel so angry and sad that,my heart feel like it has a 3 ton weight over it.One problem after another.One stupid problem after another.I try to resolve most of my problems without any further damage being done.My so-called love partner and I had an argument about masturbation.I don't think anything is wrong with masturbation. A woman should be free to masturbate any time she feels and the same goes for a man.I never thought someone would get so upset over someone else masturbating in privacy.I don't need anyone's shit about masturbating being ethically wrong or any of that stuff.He got upset over my masturbating because he said that it made him feel inadequate or less of a man. I was upset about having my privacy invaded and having my feelings hurt,crushed,and throw to the side.I would never get mad at my partner masturbating because, if he is not hurting me or bothering me... then it's all good.Unfortunately, in my life I get no understanding and it kills me and I'm so tired of the bullsh*t. Like people say..."New day,Same Sh*t".All I want it to chill,handle my business,and just live.I am a cool,laid back,down to earth person that hates drama.Selfish,immature,proud-azz, dumb-azz,f--ing people!!My heart is hurting so bad I want to cry. Well I have already cried once today so, another time still wont help anything.I feel like no one hears anything that I say, like my words have no impact on my life or the life of others. All I try to do is stay positive,offer some positive words to friends and loved ones, so all I try to do is help. No few words can explain how I feel inside. I feel: hurt, betrayed, sad, misunderstood, heartbroken, trapped, hopeless, depressed,emotionally drained,ignored,and just tired of drama.Then I think to myself that I will be cheered up by my son picking him up from school but, no just more BS. He was misbehaving in school and not listening to his teacher, again.This bad behavior has been happening more and more often and the more I talk to him, help him with homework,and help him understand that school is important....the more I get kicked in my azz. That is why I took the liberty of giving him a good azz-kicking. Im fed up with all this bull in my life. Never can I stay happy because, everyone....including my son is just against me and makes life difficult for me. Life is not meant to be easy of course, but if only the strong survie then..Im surprised I have lasted this long. I dont see myself as a strong person or as invicible to pain because, Im not some superwoman. Im just human. I feel like people are spitting on my grave while Im burried alive or some crap. Then after my "partner" realizes he may have been wrong and has ruined our plans for today....he offers to buy me some blank cd's/dvd's. That is all I get for his unkind workds to me. Its like someone offering you a piece of gum after they stomped on your lunch. What do you do when you feel like you are on the end of your rope????

Here are some BFF custom graphic icons that I created. You Like??

Hey, tell me what you think of these BFF icons that I made.You can see more of my creation or graphics at www.LOWKEYGRAPHICS.com

What do you think about these sketches that my BFF drew?

My BFF has a lot of talent and sketching is just one of them. She is also a wonderful hair stylist, cause she does most of my hot styles. So when people ask where did you get your hair done at? I tell them at "Steph's Salon". Her art and skill is amazing to me. I think she could do great in a art or design college but, she is in the same boat as I am...being a struggling mommy.You can see or hear more from her on my space at : www.myspace.com/ismokeweedbklyn

Hot & crazy Video Im watching lately with "The Gheto Boys".

This is a hot video and I love the beat.Those of you who may be sensitive to certain lyrics may want to skip by this, because it's not for the weak minded.Meaning if you don't like it, I still do and I get bent off this song.Old school is the best school...yes! This whole beat and the lyrics, if you listen closely are crazy and will have you like: "Daaamn" or "word". Yup, this video is the Suger Honey Ice Tea.

Is my "BFF" Friendship In peril or am I over-reacting??

Weekends are of course supposed to be fun and at least relaxing but, I don't think I will be able to do either. My best friend, my "ace-boon-coon", was planning to take my son and I to the ESPN zone. However, these past few days have not been like peaches and cream. Basically, my "ace-boon-coon" was having problems with her man/kids father, to a point where she was just totally stressed out. I offered her a little cool off time to chill with me that day and enjoy some "SPINACH" with me. She was supposed to come by my place and I waited a few hours for her. I realized she wasn't going to come over when I called her mom looking for her. Her mother, the "Cat lady", said that she was upstairs at another friends' house. I continued to try to call her back like an hour or so later, but still no luck reaching her. I was slightly disappointed that she didn't come through to taste some of the delightful "SPINACH" that I had. However, I totally understand that she is going through some problems at home and feels trapped and stressed out. She has 3 kids at home and she currently stays with her mother and her kids father. She gets stressed from the kids always calling for "mommy" and kids father, who is over protective and more. As her best friend, she tell me a lot and confides in me at times so, my personal opinion of her kids father is that he is selfish and stingy. He is selfish because he gets mad that she has a best friend and he doesn't, which is what she told me. Then he is stingy because, he doesn't want to share her with anybody and also is stingy with other item$. Well I try to help her as much as possible, like when she needs money,food, or just to talk to someone. My heart was aching for her these last few days because of all the stress that she was in. She says she feels like running away and never coming back. I know how it is to have a man that doesn't really help you clean and leaves a lot of work for you to do. For the most part, I do feel that he loves her in some way and needs her in his life. However, I believe all the ladies can relate to me when I say that "Men don't realize how much they need us until we are gone". Well I personally have started to feel like my "ace-boon-coon" is avoiding me and I feel a little hurt and don't really understand. I feel like saying..."What did I do wrong?" . Well I feel like I should give her some space and some time to settle her issues. This is why my plans with her might be canceled today. So sad....anyone have some thoughts or advice? I would like to hear it.

A poem that I wrote for the poetry.com contest. . . . and a hot video!

I really appreciate all those who read my blog and share their views. My previous post regarding a page from my diary was very popular and obviously interesting so, here is something else I want to share. My diary mostly expresses how I feel and other crazy drama in my life. I especially appreciate all the responses to the question that I'm sure we all ask ourselves at times, which is: Am I crazy? Is it just me or is something not right. Relationships can have you so confused and mixed up, that you don't know your A*hole from you elbow. Very true that phrase : "A fool in love"....I remain a fool in love right now with my current sweetheart...Rob. Here is a video of a recent show he did and it shows reggae artist Cutty Ranks at the end.I really love this song he did and really related to it and I'm sure some of you will too.









This is a page from my diary dated October 12,2005. I had wrote a poem for the poetry.com contest. At the time I was involved with my ex-boyfriend(honda)from 3years ago.The poetry I think is nice although I am not a poet. What do you think of it?


Everyday I cry, while life passes me by.
When he knocks on my door, its always a new lie.
Still I always show him open arms.
Then later he shows me nothing but harm.
* *
He says he loves me but, all he shows me is that he owns me.
He is my world and I treat him like a king.
He calls it, "making me feel good", but all I feel are hurtful things.
* *
Tomorrow I will not cry.
I will embrace a new life, a new day.
A new day without him in my way.